I've been thinking a lot about what I wrote when I posted Katy Perry's song Firework and challenged my readers to tackle a personal fear. I wanted to commit to something and expand on it but I needed more time to sort out what I really can do.
I'm a notoriously late person. It has caused me to lose a job, fail a class, and just be unreliable in general. None of these things have happened because it is something I wanted to happen. I have busted my butt to do everything possible to be where I need to be at the right time or even early. There is something in me that just ticks away saying "Elle, you can't do it. You always fail at this and there is no reason that you will get better. It's who you are. Deal with it." I hate that voice. I do not feel that any characteristic or personality trait is something that is solid and unchangeable. There is always another chance when it comes to an attitude makeover.
What I don't know is how to change this pattern of behavior. I have diagnosed depression and most days I deal with it just fine. It's only been the last 2 years that I have finally tried medications to help with it. The biggest side effect of the drugs is drowsiness and a hungover feeling when I don't get at least 9 hours of sleep. I have gone to a few doctors and I don't feel that they really understand what I experience and I hate the crutch of "oh, its a medical problem that I have worked out with the boss" when I have to explain to my coworkers why I'm allowed to show up 10 minutes late every day. Yeah, it's that regular. And I doesn't matter how early I wake up or what time I plan on leaving the house.
I want to stifle that nagging subconscious that is holding me back. I want my friends to know that I will be on time and not disappoint them once again. I'm going to rid myself of this beast if it takes me 4 more months or 40 more years. I'll never stop fighting.
I'm always here if you want help slaying your dragons.